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| Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit
of having long conversations on the
telephone, sometimes talking for as long
as an hour. One day she hung up after
25 minutes. “What’s the matter today?”
asked her husband. “Today you had less
than half an hour conversation on the
phone.”
“I dialed a wrong number,” replied Mrs.
Singh. |
| The top six reasons computers must be
female: |
| 6. As soon as you have one, a better
one is just around the corner. |
| 5. No one but the creator
understands the internal logic. |
| 4. Even your smallest mistakes
are immediately committed to
memory for future reference. |
| 3. The native language used
to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else. |
| 2. The message “Bad Command or
File Name” is about as informative as
“If you don’t know why I’m mad at you,
then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.
And the number 1 reason computers are female. |
| As soon as you make a commitment
to one, you find yourself spending half of
your paycheck on accessories for it. |
Sardarji : Doctor, I have a problem.
Doctor : What’s your problem?
Sardarji : I keep forgetting things.
Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?
Sardarji : What problem? |
Jasmeet caught her husband Santa
Singh searching high and low all around
his living room. Jasmeet, “What are you
searching for?”
Santa replies, “Hidden cameras!”
“And what makes you think that there
are hidden cameras here?”
“That guy on TV knows exactly what I am
doing. Why every few minutes he keeps
saying, You are watching the Star World
channel. How does he know that?” |
A man walks out of a bar totally
hammered, only to be greeted by a
snobby woman. She takes one look at
him.
“You, sir, are drunk!”
He replies, “And you ma’am, are ugly. But
when I wake up, I will be sober!” |
A man and a woman who have never
met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they
both go to sleep, the woman on the top
bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman
leans over, wakes the man and says,
“I’’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully
cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.”
The man leans out and with a glint in his
eye says, “I’ve got a better idea...just for
tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
The woman thinks for a moment. “Why
not,” she giggles.
“Great,” he replies, “Get your own damn
blanket!” |
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Teacher: Is your father working still?
Raju: Yes Sir, he is selling furniture.
Teacher : Is he selling well?
Raju : Yes sir, we have only a bed left in
our home. |
A group of hikers were being led through
the wilderness by a guide. On the third
day, the hikers noticed that they had
been traveling in circles.
‘’We’re lost!’’ One of the hikers
complained.
‘’And you said you were the best
guide in the United States.’’
‘’I am,’’ the guide answered, ‘’ but
I think we may have wandered into
Canada.’’ |
Santa Singh is arriving late at his home
again and there is alcohol on his breath
and lipstick on his collar. Naturally his
wife is furious.
“I assume,” she snarls, “that there is a very
good reason for you to come waltzing in
here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” Santa replies. “Breakfast.” |
What’s the difference between stress,
tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
And panic is when both are pregnant. |
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Sardani Swimmer
A Sardani competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The French woman came in first, the English woman second.
The Sardani finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I dont want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.
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Salman has a Visa |
Salman arrives in US. At the immigration counter, the officer says, "Welcome to US, Mr. Salman. Do you have a visa?"
"Not exactly, but I do have a Visa Credit Card," says Salman with a wink, "What can I buy for you?"
Officer: "Just leave the Visa card with me, Mr. Salman. I like to do my own shopping. It will save you some trouble."
Salman says, "That is very kind of you, sir. And I'm sure you will also be kind to the next 200 people in line. They are my relatives. I'm sponsoring them with the same Visa Credit Card." |
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Thief Picked Wrong Item to Steal
Police say tracking this thief was a snap. The loot was a computerized tracking device that uses the global positioning system and internet technology to keep track of jail prisoners on home detention.
"He apparently didn't know what he had because he would be awfully stupid to steal a tracking device," said correctional officer Thomas Roth, who runs the home detention program at the Rock County Jail.
The $2,500 device was temporarily placed outside a home by a woman serving home detention. The device, which is a little bigger than a brick in size, has built-in GPS satellite receiver. Prisoners wear a transmitter about as big as a cigarette pack on the ankle, and it acts as 100-foot tether to the portable tracking device.
By the time the prisoner called to report the theft Monday night, the device had automatically notified the jail that it had been taken outside the prisoner's home area. Roth then tracked the device through the Internet on his home computer. A trail of electronic dots led authorities to an apartment building.
Lem Lom, 40, of Janesville was arrested as he left the building. He was charged with theft.
Mother Stickers
Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the laughing started. The guard completel lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank has put this engraved plaque on the wall...."Freeze, Mother- Stickers, this is a fuck-up!"
Robber Fails at Math
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer; Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?
Robber Gives Up
A robber gave up his heist before finishing it, had his victim call for help and then patiently waited until officers arrived on the scene and arrested him.
"I realized that I wasn't wearing a mask and I'd be easily recognized if the crime was reported to the police," Katsuhiro Sekine, the 21-year-old unemployed Hitachi man arrested for robbery told the police.
Police said Sekine burst into a Hitachi convenience store at 2:35 a.m. He was brandishing a knife and demanded money. Storeowner Toshiyuki Otsu handed Sekine 10,800 yen in cash, but was then taken aback when Sekine turned to him and said, "Please call the police. "Otsu did as commanded, eventually handing the phone over to Sekine. As they talked over the phone, officers rushed to the store, where Sekine was waiting for them and gave himself up.
Come Out, Come Out
Police spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up". |
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Getting rid of a headache, Hollywood style
Salman Khan is in Hollywood shooting for a film starring Tom Cruise alongside him. Suddenly he feels pain in his head. He tells Tom Cruise, “I have a bad headache. I think I will have to return home and get some rest.”
Tom Cruise says, “Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, had sex with my wife, the pain disappeared and I was back at shooting in less than an hour. Why don't you try it?
"Salman says, “Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I’ll be right over.”
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Salman Cures Pamela of her Pneumonia
Salman Khan is the resident doctor in a Hollywood clinic. On day Pamela Anderson arrives at his clinic. She is suffering from high fever, which Salman diagnoses as pneumonia.......
But somehow Pamela is not sure that Salman is the right doctor to cure her ailment. He looks too much of a stud to be a competent doctor. She says, "doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me," replies Salman. "If I treat someone with pneumonia, she will die of pneumonia."
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Salman Losing Money
Salman Khan arrives in US with high hopes of making it big in Hollywood, but he quickly finds that getting a break is not easy. Meanwhile his money is running out. In a Hollywood pub he bumps into a redneck who tells him that if he prayed and asked God for help, God would help him win a million dollar lotto. Salman goes into the temple and begins to pray...........
"Oh God, please help me, I need some money till the time I start earning from acting assignments. The rent on my Beverly Hills apartment is due, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Salman goes back to the temple...
"God, someone else has won the lotto, how will I pay my rent now. The landlord is about to drive me out of the house. I will end up on the footpath."
Again Lotto night comes and Salman still has no luck! Back to the temple...
Frantically he prays, "My God, why do you hate me? Why won't you just let me win the lotto one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Salman is confronted by the voice of Lord:
"YOU CRAZY INDIAN, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST."
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Salman Pinching Ass
Intending to spend a month vacationing in Las Vegas, Salman Khan catches a US bound flight. When his plane lands at the airport, an officer there briefs him about an important law that everyone must follow while they are in Las Vegas. "We have only one rule in Las Vegas," says the officer, "Don't ever pinch any blonde on their ass."
Salman reaches Las Vegas, and sure enough, there are big-breasted blondes all over the place. Immediately he is filled with an urge to pinch a blonde's ass. Not wanting to end up in a Las Vegas jail, he tries his best to keep his libido in check. But when a heavily endowed big breasted blonde passes next to him, he can hardly reign in his desire and pinches her ass.
The blonde screams at Salman. Within moments half a dozen siren blaring police vehicles arrive and Salman is caught. He is hauled up before the Las Vegas magistrate. "Your punishment for pinching the bottom of a Las Vegas blonde is to spend a month chained to an ugly woman."
The police take him to the jail where there is an ugly woman. She is fat, her hair is frumpy and her teeth protrude from her mouth like a rabbit. Salman is chained to her and they are locked up inside the cell.
"I wonder what you did to deserve being chained to me for a month?" Salman asks the woman.
"Well, I don't know what you did," says the woman, "But I pinched a blonde guy's bottom."
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Sushmita outsmarts Pamela Anderson
Salman Khan goes to US on an acting assignment for a Hollywood project. Finding the right kind of accommodation in Hollywood can be very difficult; Salman gets lucky when he bumps into Pamela Anderson, who invites him to stay in her mansion.
When Sushmita Sen comes to visit US, Salman invites her to the mansion for dinner. During the meal, Sushmita can't help but notice how sexy Pamela Anderson is. She starts wondering if there was more between Salman and the big breasted beauty.
Reading her thoughts, Salman says, "I know what you are thinking, but I assure you that Pam and I are just friends. Our relationship is strictly platonic."
A week later, Pamela comes to Salman and says, "Ever since Sushmita came to dinner, I am unable to find the beautiful gold ashtray that I kept on the dining room table."
"You don't suppose she took it, do you?" said Salman. "Let me write to her to find out the truth." So he sits down and writes, "Sushmita darling, Pamela's gold ashtray has been missing since the day you arrived for dinner with us. Did you have anything to do with its disappearance?"
Soon he receives a furious reply that says, "Salman, you double crossing liar. If that silicon breasted bitch had been sleeping in her own bed, as you told me she was, I am sure she would have found the gold ashtray by now."
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Salman Khan and the American Yuppie
Salman Khan was herding his flock in the outskirts of his Gujarati village when suddenly a gleaming Lexus arrives with a cloud of dust. The driver of the fancy car turn out to be a white young man dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie.
It is obvious that the young man is a yuppie computer programmer from California vacationing in rural Gujarat. The yuppie rolls down the window, leans out and asks, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
"Sure. Why not?" Salman Khan says, gaping at the young man.
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM notebook computer, connects it to his Vodaphone cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
He then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Bangalore. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and triumphantly turns to Salman Khan and says, "You have exactly 2212 sheep."
"That's right," Salman agrees. "I guess you can take one of my sheep."
The yuppie programmer loses no time in selecting the animal that he wants and stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
At this point Salman Khan says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give him back to me?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a software consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's right," exclaims the yuppie, "but how did you guess?"
"Isn't it obvious?" says Salman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business. NOW GIVE ME BACK MY DOG.
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Salman's Password is not long enough
Some racists in US have come up with a so-called research that says that Indian males have a shorter penis as compared to the whites of US and Europe. Like all patriotic Indians, Salman Khan is furious at the racist groups.
He decides to post his views on various blogs. But before he can begin posting he has to log in, for that he needs to create a user ID and password.
Thinking that he is the manly type, Salman types the following letters when he is prompted for his desired password: P-E-N-I-S.
He nearly falls of his chair, howling with anger, when the computer replies: PASSWORD REJECTED: NOT LONG ENOUGH.
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Salman Khan and the Racist Blonde
Salman Khan goes to the US where he starts dating a blonde. Now the blonde turns out to be of racist mindset. One day when they are together at home she says, "I think Indians are stupid."
"Why?" Salman asks.
"I mean you Indians believe in things like astrology," the blonde says with a condescending air. "Now what could be more stupid than that?"
Eager to defend his countrymen, Salman says, "Actually there is lots of sense in astrology."
"O yeah," the blonde snarls, "If there is something to astrology why don't you tell me my age using astrological mumbo jumbo."
"OK, take off your bra and show me your boobs."
"What for?"
"In Indian astrology, when I see your breasts I can tell your age."
"Fine" says the blonde and then takes off her bra.
"You are 23 years old."
"Oh my god! How did you know?" says the blonde with amazement.
"You told me a week ago."
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In Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty gets Stamp of Approval
Shilpa Shetty's foray into the British reality show The Big Brother has been a great success. Accolades pour on her from all parts of the world. There is talk of offering her Noble Peace Prize, because of the strong stance against racism that she took during the show. While the Nobel Peace Prize is still awaited, Tony Blair's British Government has decided to recognize Shilpa's contribution in tackling the problem of "white racism" by releasing a special postage stamp with her picture on it.
The stamps are released and they become an immediate hit everywhere. But within a couple of days complaints start pouring that the stamps were not sticking properly. Fearing a racist conspiracy to destroy Shilpa's stamps the British Government orders the MI6 to investigate the matter. The MI6 checks several post offices around the world and then reports to the government: "The stamp is really world class. And Shilpa's picture on it looks very pretty. But the problem is that people have started licking the wrong side of the stamp."
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Shilpa Shetty Vacuums the competition
The Big Brother Show is on and Shilpa is having a tough time fielding racist comments from white racist girls who have ganged up against her.
One of the white racist girls says, "Ha, you have manual labor in your country. I can bet you Indians have never ever used a vacuum cleaner."
"We Indians are proud of our capacity for hard work," says Shilpa. "Moreover, it might not be possible to clean a house as thoroughly with a vacuum cleaner."
"That is what you think," snaps another racist white girl, "vacuum cleaner is always a lot cleaner than manually sweeping the floor." With these words she gets up in a huff, walks out of the studio and when she returns in a minute she has a big bucket of horseshit with her. She pours the bucket of horseshit on the floor, right in front of Shilpa and says, "If my vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horseshit from the carpet, then I will personally eat the remainder."
Refusing to get rattled, Shipla replies coolly, "Well, I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity went off a while ago."
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Salman Khan Loses His Balls
After a night of heavy drinking Salman Khan was involved in a terrible road accident. He was bleeding all over and was unconscious when he was brought to the hospital.
Days later when he finally regains consciousness, the doctor tells him, "I have a good news and bad news."
"Give me the bad news first," bravely says Salman.
"During the accident, your cars steering impacted too strongly with the middle portion of your body destroying your testicles."
"Benchod!" cries the film star, "How will I manage to live without my balls? My sex life is ruined."
"I'm sorry," says the doctor, "But there is nothing I can do."
"Damn it!" the star shouts with frustration. "What's the good news?"
"Your girlfriend said don't worry she's the one who slept around for your roles anyway." |
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Katrina Kaif is Full of Pain
Katrina Kaif and Salman Khan are sitting together in a park chatting about the birds and bees. Suddenly Katrina winks suggestively and says, "You can touch me wherever you like."
Eagerly Salman presses his finger to her lips, and he cries, "Ouch that hurts." Then he touches her nose and cries, "Ouch that hurts." Then he touches her stomach and cries, "Ouch that hurts."
Fed up, Salman says, "I don't like you. You are just full of pain."
Finally Katrina has had enough of Salman's antics; she takes his hand in her hand and examines it thoughtfully.
"You have a broken finger you idiot." |
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Bollywood Crotch Grab
A Bollywood heroine, known for getting what she wants, goes to the dentist and as he begins working on her, she leans over and grabs his crotch in a firm grip. The dentist is shocked and he cries, "Madam, I believe you have my privates in your grip."
The heroine refuses to let go of the crotch and coolly replies, "Of course I am holding your privates. Now both of us have to be careful not to hurt each other." |
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Salman Goes For Surgery
Salman Khan is in the operation room about to be treated for hernia. This is his first operation and understandably he is very nervous
He looks at the doctor suspiciously and asks, "Will I be able to kiss Aishwarya Rai, once the operation is over?"
The doctor smiles and says, "Of course you will be able to kiss her."
"Good, she never let me kiss her before, but now she will." |
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When Salman Calls a Doctor
Sushmita Sen is fretting at the film studio as she waits for her co-star Salman Khan to show up so that the film shooting may begin. Finally Salman arrives. He is two hours late and he has funny looking bandages on both his ears.
"You kept everyone waiting for two hours. What took you so long?" asks Sushmita angrily.
"Well, I was kind of caught up," says Salman.
"And what happened to your ears? Why those bandages?" asks Sushmita.
"In the morning I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang and Ahhhhh! I accidentally answered to the iron."
"That explains your one ear," says Sushmita. "Why happened to your other ear?"
Salman says sheepishly, "Well, I had to call the doctor."
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Sushmita's Second Opinion
Salman Khan and Sushmita Sen were having lunch at a fancy restaurant when all of a sudden they started having a big argument.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" Salman shouted and he stormed out of the restaurant leaving Sushmita behind.
Few hours later the realization started dawning on him that earlier in the day he might have behaved a bit boorishly with Sushmita. Hoping to make amends, he called her on her mobile. After many rings, she picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" asked Salman.
"I was in bed with Aamir Khan."
"What were you doing in bed with that creep?"w
"Getting a second opinion," Sushmita replied coolly. |
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Bollywood
Hot Dog
A Bombay film actor was having an affair with his
secretary. One day she shocked him by telling him that
she was pregnant. Confused about what to do, he gives
his secretary a sum of money and asks her to go to
US and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know when the baby is
born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write ‘Hot
Dog’ on the back. I'll take care of expenses." The
secretary took the money and flew to the US.
Six months later the film actor receives a strange
post card that says, "Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Dog,
Hot Dog - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.
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An
Actor’s IQ
Three
Bollywood actors are pestering Aishwarya Rai for a
date. She decides that she will date the actor who
has the highest IQ.
In order to check their IQ Aishwarya tells them to
answer one question: “How much is 3 X 3?”
Abhishek Bachan responds, “33.”
She puts the same question to Vivek Oberoi, “OK,
Vivek how much is 3 X 3?”
“Tuesday,” Vivek replies.
Finally she puts the question to Salman Khan. Without
batting an eyelid Salman answers, “9”.
Aishwarya is delighted; finally she had found an actor
with an IQ high enough to date him. She asks, “Great,
you know the answer, how did you come to that so quickly?”
“It was easy,” says Salman, with a proud
grin on his face, “I just subtracted 33 from
Tuesday.” |
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